This Week In The Laboratories Of Democracy

(Permanent Musical Accompaniment To This Post)

Welcome back to our weekly survey of what's goin' down in the several states where, as we know, the real work of governmentin' gets done, and where I ride the mail train and can't buy a thrill.

Let us begin in Maine, where the Republican Governors Association -- Chris Christie, majordomo -- has decided to throw its weight behind Paul LePage, the human bowling-jacket who's running for re-election on a watch-me-do-more-damage platform. There is no angering the base. Ever.

"This is one of the top five races in the country for the Republican Governors Association," said Christie, the chairman of that organization. "We're going to be spending a lot of time up here and resources here. I think the governor has a record that deserves that kind of support: 10,000 new jobs up here in Maine since he took office, biggest tax cut that Maine's had in a long time, and welfare reform that he's gotten done here has been significant."

Christie failed to mention LePage's other career as an art critic, and a social theorist. Probably that's for later in the campaign.

(And it seems at this point that Chris Christie would work a room for the cost of the ice water.)

Let us move along to the newly insane state of North Carolina, where the governor is playing merry mischiefwith a woman who was elected to Congress. The woman happens to be African American, which means this is not About Race because nothing ever is About Race.

McCrory said this move would save the state "in excess of $1 million" - the estimated cost of holding stand-alone special elections - and would be "the most efficient process" to comply with "the various filing deadlines, ballot preparation time, state and federal calendar requirements for ballot access, [and] voter registration deadlines." When critics, including the North Carolina NAACP, noted that this would leave the district unrepresented until November at the earliest, the governor responded that "not much goes on in Washington between July and the election anyway."

Oh, come on. At least make it sound plausible. At the very least, the House already has decided that it's going to be pretty damn active this summer.

Moving along to Missouri, arguments over the best barbecue are going to get more serious.

But whether McGaugh knows it or not, the text of the bill suggests it is far broader, potentially authorizing individuals in any privately owned space where they are authorized to be - including sports stadiums, retail shops, bars, and restaurants - to use deadly force against perceived unlawful entrants. The bill states that force is permitted against a person who "unlawfully enters, remains after unlawfully entering, or attempts to unlawfully enter private property that is owned or leased by an individual, or is occupied by an individual who has been given specific authority by the property owner to occupy the property, claiming a justification of using protective force under this section."

So, if you're at a Royals game, don't even think about moving down to the really good seats unless you feel lucky, punk.

We run, ducking, for the border and we wind up in the business-friendly atmosphere of Texas, where a judge took seven years to learn how to pronounce, "Shit outta luck, suckers."

Victims of the pollution had successfully proved to the court that they experienced burning eyes, rashes, vomiting, and other health problems because of Citgo's illegal emissions between 1994 and 2003. Because the exact chemical makeup of the emissions was never figured out, the victims attorneys had argued that future medical monitoring was needed "to allay their fears that they may suffer from cancer or other diseases because Citgo placed them criminally at risk, and the fact that the identity of the chemicals to which they were exposed is unknown further exacerbates this need."..Judge Rainey also said that it would be too difficult to calculate how much medical monitoring would be needed for each of the 800 individuals who claimed to be harmed from the pollution, and how much that would cost. Moreover, the need to provide restitution to the victims did not justify that effort, nor did it justify extending the time-frame of the case, Judge Rainey wrote.

Inconvenient illnesses are business-friendly.

And we conclude, as usual, in Oklahoma, but before we move on to reports from Blog Special Supercell Observer Friedman of the Plains, let's have a look at the very strangest reaction to the fucking barbarism practiced on an inmate whom the state was trying to kill.

Oklahoma Representative Mike Christian is a lawmaker who pushed to have state Supreme Court justices impeached for briefly halting Tuesday's execution. He says he doesn't care whether inmates are executed by injection, electric chair, firing squad, hanging, the guillotine or "being fed to the lions."

Don't give the people at Spike TV any ideas. It probably goes without saying that Rep. Christian is a very ironically named fucking barbarian.

Meanwhile, FOTP passes along the tale of another controversy roiling the Sooner judiciary.

Jon Patton, one of several challengers seeking to replace District Judge Kurt Glassco, says his father and a cousin did some research before his father passed away, and determined they were related to the fabled World War II warrior. "My dad, back in his later life before he passed away, he was doing a bunch of research and everything, and basically he was doing all that with a cousin of mine, and so from what I understand they did determine that they were related," he told KRMG. Veterans of Foreign Wars Post 577 member Doug Bagby had sent a letter to KRMG last week, saying Patton's claim that he shares blood with "Old Blood and Guts" wasn't true, based on research conducted by VFW members on Ancestry.com.

You don't win elections by researching your background. You win elections by making the other poor sonuvabitch research his background.

This is your democracy, America. Cherish it.

Charles P. Pierce

Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976. He lives near Boston and has three children.