LIMERICKS
(This collection is taken from Ireland books and different internet-sources)There was a young lady named Gay Who was asked to make love in the hay; She jumped at the chance And took off her pants; She was tickled to try it that way. If intercourse gives you thrombosis While continence causes neurosis I prefer to expire Fulfilling desire Than live on a state of psychosis. There was a young student of Johns Who wanted to bugger the swans, But the loyal hall porter Said, "Sir, take my daughter Them birds are reserved for the dons". There was a young peasant named Gorse Who fell madly in love with a horse. Said his wife, "You rapscallion, That horse is a stallion - This constitutes grounds for divorce". A herder who hailed from Terre Haute Fell in love with a young nanny goat; The daughter he sired Was greatly admired For her beautiful angora coat. An Argentine gaucho named Bruno Once said, "There is one thing I do know. A woman is fine And a sheep is divine But a llama is Numero Uno!" There was a young man from the coast Who had an affair with a ghost. At the height of orgasm This she-ectoplasm Said, "I think I can feel it - almost." There was a young maiden named Hoople Whose bosom was triple, not double; So she had it removed But it grew back improved And in present her front is quadruple. There was a young maid of Boston, Mass Who stood in the water up to her knees, If it doesn't rhyme now, It will rhyme, and how When the tide comes in: up to her … There was an old girl of Kilkenny Whose usual charge was a penny For half of that sum You might fondle her bum: A source of amusement to many. There was a young harlot from Kew Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get out in, They'll pay to get of it, too". On her bosom a beauteous young frail Had illumined the price of her tail; And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, The same is embroidered in Braille. Well bugged was a boy named Delpasse By all of the lds in his class He said, with a yawn, "Now the novelty's gone; It's only a pain in the ass". A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux Fell in love with a dashing young beau; To arrest his regard She would squat in his yard And appealingly pee in the snow. There was a young girl of Baroda Who built an erotic pagoda; The walls of its halls Were festooned with the balls And the tools of the fools who bestrode her. There once was a sculptor named Phidias Whose manners in art were invidious: He carved Aphrodite Without any nightie Which startled the ultrafastidious. There was a young girl of Aberystwyth Who took grain to the mill to get grits with The miller's son Jack Laid her flat on her back And united the organs they kissed with. There was a young man of Eau Claire Enjoying his girl on the stair; On the forty-fourth stroke The banister broke And he finished her off in mid-air. There was a young man of Coblenz Whose equipment was simply immense It took forty-four draymen A priest and three laymen To carry it thither and thence. There was a young lady named Cager Who as the result of a wager Consented to fart The whole oboe part Of Mozart's Quartet in F-Major. There was a young lady of Brussels Whose pride was her vagina muscles; She could easily plex them And so interflex them As to whistle love songs through her bustles. A forward young fellow named Tarr Had a habit of goosing his Ma: "Go pester you sister, She said when he kissed her: "I've trouble enough with your Pa". A lady with features cherubic Was famed for her arena pubic When they asked her its size She replied in surprise: "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" There was a young fellow named Bliss Whose sex life was strangely amiss For even with Venus His recalcitrant penis Would seldom do better than t h i s. A Salvation lassie named Claire Was having her first love affair. As she climbed into bed She reverently said, "I wish to be opened with prayer". A brainy Professor named Zed Dreamed one night of a buxom co-ed He mussed and he bussed her, And otherwise fussed her, But the action was all in his head. Winter is here with his grouch The time when you sneeze and you slouch You can’t take your women Canoeing or swimming But a lot can be done on a couch. A painter who came from Great Britain Hailed a lady who sat with her knitain He remarked with a sigh, “That park bench – well, I Just painted it, right where you’re sitain”. A strip-teaser up in Fall River Caused a sensitive fellow to quiver The esthetic vibration Brought soulful elation; Besides, it was good for the liver. A dentist, young Doctor Malone Got a charming girl patient alone, And, in his depravity, He filled the wrong cavity – Just see how his practice has grown! There was a faith-healer of Deal Who said, “Although pain isn’t real, If I sit on a pin, And it punctures my skin I dislike what I fancy I feel”. There was a young lady of Wantage Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage. Said the Country Surveyor, “Of course you must pay her; You’ve altered the line of her frontage”. The frustration of Johnny Carruther Must stem from this fact and none other There just wasn’t room To return in the womb, Occupied, at the time by his brother. There once was a fellow named Bob Who in sexual ways was a snob One day he went to swimmin’ With twelve naked women And deserted them all for a gob. I met a lewd nude in Bermuda Who thought she was shrewd; I was shrewder She thought it quite crude To be wooed in the nude I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her. A prolific young mother named Hall Who seemed to have triplets each Fall When asked why and wherefore Said, “That’s what we’re here for But we often get nothing at all”. There was an old fellow of Croydon Whose cook was a cute little hoyden. She would sit on his knees While shelling the peas Or pleasanter duties employed on. There was a young lady named Mabel Who said, “I don't think that I'm able; But I'm willing to try So where shall I lie - On the bed, or the floor, or the table?” There was a young fellow named Skinner Who took a young lady to dinner; At half past nine They sat down to dine And by quarter to ten it was in her. What – dinner? No, Skinner! A zoologist’s daughter of Zug Cried, “Pa, what is that on the rug?” Said he, “Goodness, gracious! Haw very vexatious! I very much fear it’s a b… blood-sucking insect of the cimex lectularius species”. A handsome young gent down in Fla. (Florida) Collapsed in a hospital ca. (corridor) A young nurse from Me. (Maine) Sought to banish his pe. (pain) And shot him. Now what could be ha? (horrider) There was a young lady of Joppa Who came a most terrible cropper. She went to Ostend With a gentleman friend, The rest of the story is improper. There was a young lady of Lynn Who was nothing but bones except skin; So she wore a false bust In the likewise false trust That she looked like a lady of sin. There was a young lady of Rye With a shape like a capital I. When they said, “It’s too bad”, She learned how to pad; Which shows you that figures can lie. There was a young lady of Slough Who said that she didn’t know how Then a young fellow caught her And jolly well taught her She lodges in Pimlico now. There was a young lady of Starky Who had an affair with a darkey The result of their sins Were quadruplets, not twins One black, and two white, and one khaki. There was a young lady of Worcester Who complained that so many men goosed her So she traded her scanties For sandpaper panties Now they goose her much less then they used her. A delighter incredulous bride Remarked to the groom at her side, “I never could quite Believe till tonight Our anatomies would coincide”. There was a brave damsel of Brighton Whom nothing could possibly frighten She plunged in the sea And with infinite glee Was punched by a playful old Triton. There was a plump girl from Bryn Mawr Who committed a dreadful faux pas; She loosened a stay On her decollete Thus exposing he je ne sais quoi. It always delights me at Hanks To walk up the old river banks. One time in the grass I stepped on an ass And heard a young girl murmur, “Thanks!” A naked young tort named Roselle Walked the streets while ringing a bell When asked why she rang it She answered, “Goldang it! Can’t you see I have something to sell?” Said the mythical King of Algiers To his harem assembled, “My dears, You may think it odd of me But I’m tired of sodomy Tonight’s for you, ladies”. (Loud cheers!) A homely young harlot named Gert Used to street walk until her corns hurt; But now she just stands Upside down on her hands With her face covered up by her skirt. A guy with a girl in a Fiat Asked, “Where on earth is my key at?” When he started to seek She let out a shriek, “That’s not where it’s likely to be at!” There once was a fellow named Brett, Loved a girl in his shiny Corvette; We know it’s absurd But the last we heard They hadn’t untangled them yet. Said a man of his small Morris Minor, “For petting, it couldn’t be finer, But for love’s consummation A wagon called station Would offer a playground deviner”. They sat in his little old Lloyd Frustrated, and hot, and annoyed But enough of palaver; He attempted to have’er And the car was entirely destroyed. A fellow from old Copenhagen Wooed a girl in his little Volkswagen; But the damage was high: The stick-shift in his eye, And a gash from the dash in his noggin. “It’s my custom” said dear lady Norris “To beg lifts from the drivers of lorries When they get out to piss I see thing that I miss At the wheel of my two-seater Morris”. There’s an over-sexed lady named Whyte Who insist on a dozen a night A fellow named Cheddar Had the brashness to wed her – His chance of survival is slight. There was a young fellow named Wyatt Who kept a big girl in the quiet But down on the wharf He kept also a dwarf In case he should go on a diet. “For the tenth time, dull Daphnis”, said Chloe “You have told me my bosom is snowy; And made pretty verse on Each part of my person - Now DO something, won’t you, my boy?” There was a young girl of Penzance Who decided to take just one chance. So she let herself go In the arms of her beau; Now all of her sisters are aunts. There was a young lady of Maine Who declared she’d a man on her brain But you knew from the view On her waist as it grew It was not on her brain that he’d lain. A buxom young typist named Baynes At her work took particular pains She was good in dictation And long explanations But she run more to bosom than brains. A reckless young man from Fort Blainy Made love to a spinster name Janie When his friends said, “Oh, dear, She’s so old and so queer”, He replied, “But the day was so rainy!” The bashful young bachelor Cleary Of girls was exceedingly leery; Then a lady named Lou Showed him how and with who He could render his evenings more cherry. There was a young lady from Thrace Whose corsets grew too tight to lace Her mother said, “Nelly, There’s more in your belly Than ever went in through your face!” Three lovely young girls from St. Thomas Attended dance-halls in pyjamas They were fondled all summer By sax, bass and drummer – I’m surprised that by now they’re not mamas. There was a young man of high station Who was fond by a pious relation Making love in a ditch To - I won't say a bitch - But a lady of NO reputation. There was a young man from Toledo Who traveled about incognito The reason he did Was to bolster his id While appeasing his savage libido. There was an old fellow of Lyme Who lived with three wives at a time; When asked, “Why the third?” He replied, “One's absurd! And bigamy, sir, is a crime”. World has come down from the Dean That by use of the teaching machine Old Oedipus Rex Could have learned about sex Without ever disturbing the Queen. There was a young maid of Ostend Who swore she’d hold out to end; But, alas, halfway over From Calais to Dover She’d done what she didn’t intend. An amoeba named Sam, and his brother Where having a drink with each other; In the midst of their quaffing They split their sides laughing And each of them now is a mother. A newspaper writer named Fling Could make copy from most anything But the copy he wrote Of a ten-dollar note Was so good he is now in Sing-Sing. There was a young fellow named Fife Who had a big row with his wife He lost half his nose Two thirds of his toes One ear, seven teeth – and his life. A senora who strolled on the Corso Displayed quite a lot of her torso A crowd soon collected And no one objected Though some were in favor of more so. Have you heard of knocked-kneed Sam Guzzum And Samantha, his bow-legged Cousin? There are some people say That love finds a way, But for Sam and Samantha it doesn’t. There was a young lady named Hall, Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball. The dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page, sporting section, and all. There was a young fellow called Hall, Who fell in the spring in the fall; 'Twoud have been a sad thing, Had he died in the spring, But he didn't, he died in the fall. There was a young fellow named Fisher Who was fishing for fish in a fissure. Then a cod with a grin, Pulled the fisherman in... Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher. An amorous maiden antique Kept a man in her house for a week. He entered her door With a shout and a roar, But his exit was marked by a squeak. A maiden at college called Breeze, Weighed down by BAs and Litt.Ds, Collapsed from the strain. Alas it was plain, She was killing herself by degrees. There was a young fellow from Tyne Put his head on the South-Eastern line; But he died of ennui, For the 5.53 Didn't come till a quarter past nine. There was a young lady of Ryde Who was carried too far by the tide. Cried a man-eating shark, “How's this for a lark? I knew that the lord would provide”. There was an old man who averred He had learned how to fly like a bird. Cheered by thousands of people, He leapt from the steeple - This tomb states the date it occurred. There once was a fellow called James, Who liked to make puns and play games. He liked limericks best, And was never a pest, But knew lots of folks with weird names. There was a young girl from Madras Who had a most beautiful ass Not rounded and pink As you probably think But grey, with long ears, and ate grass. There was a young man from Aberystwyth Took a girl to his room to play whist with, At the very first trick He whipped out his prick And united the organs they pissed with. There was a young man from Woods Hole Who had an affair with a mole Though a bit of a nancy He did like to fancy Himself in the dominant role. There was an old man of Devizes Whose balls were of different sizes, The one that was small Was no use at all But the other was huge and won prizes. There once was a curate from Kew, Who kept a black cat in a pew, He taught it to speak Alphabetical Greek, But it never got further than mu. An unfortunate fellow called Giles Had the ugliest bottom for miles; But a surgeon took pity And made it quite pretty: All dimples, and poutings, and smiles. While Titian mixed his rose-madder His model posed nude on a ladder; Her position, to Titian, Suggested coition So he mounted the ladder, and had her. Ethnologists up with the Sioux Wired home for two punts, one canoe. The answer, next day, Said, “GIRLS ON THE WAY BUT WHAT THE HELL'S A PANOE?” There was a young man who said, “Damn! It is borne upon me that I am But a being that moves In predestinate grooves - I'm not even a bus, I'm a tram”. Anon., Idem, Ibid. and Trad. Wrote much that is morally bad: Some ballads, some shanties, ALL poems on panties - And limericks, too, one must add. There was a young lady named Bright Whose speed was far faster than light; She went out one day, In a relative way, And returned the previous night. An Anglican vicar in want Of a second-hand portable font Would exchange for the same A portrait (with frame) Of the bishop-elect of Vermont. There was a young girl from Darjeeling Who could dance with such exquisite feeling Not a murmur was heard, Not a sound, not a word, But the fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. Concerning the bees and the flowers In the fields and the gardens and bowers, You will note at a glance That their ways of romance Haven't any resemblance to ours. A passionate couple named Kelly Mistook glue for petroleum jelly. From kissing and hugging To twisting and tugging But still they stayed belly to belly. There was a young fellow called Hyde Who fell down a sewer and died. His unfortunate brother Fell down another And now they're interred side by side. Despite her impressive physique Fatima was really quite meek; If a mouse showed its head She would jump into bed With a terrible blood-curdling sheik. Said a green cabin-dweller called Cade, “Shit surely will bio-degrade Since I've no indoor plumbing When a crap is a-coming I'll head for the woods with a spade”. There once was a man from U. Mass. With testicles made out of brass. When he banged them together They played “Stormy Weather” And lightning shot out of his ass. There was a young miss from St. Paul Who went to the newspaper ball Her dress caught on fire And exposed her entire Front page, sporting section and all. There once was a fellow called Nuttter Who went for a shit in the gutter The rays of the sun Baptized his bare bum And converted the shit into butter. There once was a fellow from Boston Who drove a diminutive Austin It had room for his ass And a thankful of gas But his balls dangled out, and he lost 'em! There was a young man of Japan Whose limericks never would scan. When they asked him why, He said, with a sigh, “It's because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can”. There once was a man from Racine Who built a fine screwing machine. Concave or convex, It would screw any sex. But it was a bastard to clean. There was a young man of Siam Whose poetry never would scan. He wrote a poem About “Home, Sweet Home” And the rhymes were lousy too. There's a wonderful family Stein, There's Gertrude, there's Ep, and there's Ein. Gert's poetry's bunk, Ep's statues are junk, And no one can understand Ein. A hillbilly farmer called Hollis Used possums and snakes for his solace. His offspring had scales And prehensile tails And voted for Govenor Wallace. If intercourse gives you thrombosis While continence causes neurosis, I prefer to expire Fulfilling desire Than live on in a state of psychosis. There once was a young man called Treet Who minced as he walked down the street. He wore shoes of bright red And he playfully said, “I may not be strong, but I'm sweet”. There was a young girl from St. Cyr Whose reflex reactions were queer. Her escort said, “Mabel Get up off the table; That money's to pay for the beer”. The was an old man of Khartoum Who kept a giraffe in his room. “It reminds me”, he said, “Of a friend who is dead, But I cannot remember of whom”. Of a sudden the great prime donna Cried, “Gawd, but my voice is a goner!” But a cat in the wings Said, “I know how she sings”, And finished the solo with honour. An amorous M.A. Said of Cupid, the C.D., “From their prodigal use He Is, I deduce, The John Jacob A.H.” If Leo your own birthday marks You will lust until forty, when starts A new pleasure in stamps, Boy Scouts and their camps, And fondling nude statues in parks. There once was a lassie called Jeanie Whose dad was a terrible meanie: He fashioned a latch And a hatch for her snatch She could only be had by Houdini. There was a young lady called Grace Who had eyes in a very odd place. She could sit on the hole Of a mouse or a mole And stare the beast square in the face. I once thought a lot of a friend Who turned out to be in the end The southernmost part (As I'd feared from the start) Of a horse with a northerly trend. The limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical. The limerick is furtive and mean; You must keep it in close quarantine, Or it sneaks to the slums And promptly becomes Disorderly, drunk and obscene. It needn't have ribaldry's taint Or strive to make everyone faint. There's a type that's demure And perfectly pure Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't. The limerick, peculiar to English, Is a verse-form that's hard to extinguish. Once Congress in session Decreed its supression But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or metre. There was a young lady of Norway Who hung by her heels in a doorway And called to her man, Sitting on the divan, “Come quick, I've discovered one more way”. There was a young plumber of Leigh Was plumbing a maid by the sea. Said the maid, “Cease your plumbing, I think someone's coming”. Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It's me!” The Rajah of Afganistan Imported a Birmingham can Which he set as a throne On a great Buddha stone But he crapped out of doors like a man. A nubile young Nubian nun Raised up her black habit for fun But though she was bare Underneath, none knew where Nude nun ended and habit began. A marvelous race are the Jocks Who run whooping through glens in check frocks For they say, “Wearing breeches Makes it harder for leaks And the philibeg leaves us free cocks”. There was a young lady of Chichester Who made all the saints in their niches stir. One morning at matins Her breasts in white satin Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir. There was a young man from the coast Who had an affair with a ghost. At the height of orgasm The fair ectoplasm Said, “Ooh! I can feel it – almost”. She wasn't what you would call pretty, And other girls offered her pity: You would never have guessed That her Wasserman test Involved half the men of the city. A pansy who came from Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room She said, “Settle one thing Now, before we begin, Who does what, and with which, and to whom?” It was just as I feared it would be I sat next to the duchess at tea Her rumblings abdominal Were simply phenomenal And everyone thought it was me. There was a young fellow from Kent Whose prick was so long that it bent, To save himself trouble He put it in double - And instead of coming, he went, There was a young woman from Devon Was raped in a garden by seven High Anglican priests, The lascivious beasts. Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. A habit both vile and unsavoury Kept the Bishop of Oxford in slavery. With bestial howls He would bugger young owls Which he kept in an underground aviary. There was a young man from St. Just Who, consumed with erotical lust, Raped the Bishop's prize fowls, His precious young owls, And a little green lizard, what bust. From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the vicar, “Good Gracious! Has Brother Ignatius Forgotten the Bishop has piles?” There was a young lady from Crewe Who said, as the curate withdrew, “I'll stick to the Vicar He's slicker and quicker And three inches thicker than you”. A Christian Scientist from Theale Said, “Though I know pain isn't real, When I sit on a pin And it punctures my skin I dislike what I fancy I feel”. A pretty young girl from Djakarta Was widely acclaimed as a farter: At the African sports Her explosive reports Brought her widespread acclaim as a starter. There was a young man from Adair Was having his girl on the stair At the twenty-first stroke The banister broke So he finished her off in the air. There was a young lady called Jane Who liked a fuck now and again. Not just now and again But NOW! and AGAIN! And AGAIN! and AGAIN! and AGAIN! The tits of a harlot called Dale Were tattooed with the price of her tail, And on her behind For the sake of the blind Was the same information in Braille. There was a young Scot named McAmiter Who bragged of excessive diameter; Yet it wasn't the size That opened their eyes But the rhythm - trochaic hexameter. There was a young curate called Binns Who preached about Heaven and things; But his secret desire Was a boy in the choir With a bottom like jelly on springs. There was a young man of Rangoon Whose farts could be heard on the Moon When you'd least expect 'em They'd burst from his rectum With the force of a raging typhoon. An innocent lass from Cape Cod Believed that a child came from God: But t'was not the Almighty Who lifted her nightie It was Roger the lodger, the sod. There once was a fellow named Newt Who had nine fine warts on his root. He put acid on these And now, when he pees, Newt tootles his root like a flute. There was a young fellow called Rex With diminutive organs of sex: Arraigned for exposure He said with composure, “De minimis non curat lex”. A handsome young fellow called Fisk Was at fucking exceedingly brisk, So fast was his action Fitzgerald contraction Foreshortened his prick to a disc. A lovely young actress called Ransome Was raped seven times In a hansom; As she clamoured for more Came a voice from the floor, “The name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson”. A policeman from North Clapham Junction Whose penis had long ceased to function Deceived his good wife For the rest of her life By the use of his constable's truncheon. It's a favorite project of mine A new value of pi to assign. I would fix it at 3 For it's simpler, you see, Then 3.14159. There was a young man who said, “God Must find it exceedingly odd To see that this tree Still continues to be When there's no-one about in the quad”. Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd; I am always about in the quad; And that's why the tree Still continues to be Since observed by, Yours faithfully, God. A book and a jug and a dame, And a nice cosy nook for the same; “And I don't care a damn”, Said Omar Khayyam, “What you say, it's a great little game”. It's said that Medusa was celibate And stayed that way just for the hell of it. But the feminine organ Of this famous Gorgon Had snake-bites where each scaly fella bit. The ancients' enigma, old Zeno, Adjourned to a gambling casino. He successfully proved That the wheel never moved And won every roulette game in Reno. There's an orchestra playing in Beale Whose conductor is far from ideal. To conclude a sonata, He starts the fermata, Then leaves for a seven-course meal. There was a young lady named Harris Whom nothing could ever embarrass 'Til the salts that she shook In the bath that she took Turned out to be Plaster of Paris. In Wall Street a girl called Irene Made an offering somewhat obscene; She stripped herself bare And offered a share To Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Bean. There was a young fellow of Buckingham Who stood on the old bridge at Uckingham Watching the stunts Of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em. A remarkable race are the Persians With many erotic diversions. They make love all day In the regular way, And save up the nights for perversions. There once was a virgin of Siam Who said to her lover, young Klam, “If you take-me, of course, You must do it by force, But God knows you are stronger than I am”. There was a young lady named Smith Whose virtue was mostly a myth. She said, “Try as I can, I can't find a man Who it's fun to virtuous with”. There was once a monarch of Spain Who was terribly haughty and vain; When women were nigh He'd unbutton his fly And have them with sneers of disdain. A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude Saw a man come along And, unless I am wrong, You expected this line to be rude. A tone-deaf old person from Tring When somebody asked him to sing, Replied, “It is odd But I cannot tell 'God Save the Weasel' from 'Pop Goes the King'”. An old archeologist, Throstle, Discovered a marvelous fossil He knew from its bend And the knob on the end 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. There was a young curate of Salisbury Whose manners were halisbury-scalisbury. He walked about Hampshire Without any pampshire Till the vicar compelled him to walisbury. There once was a girl from Revere So enormously large that, oh dear, Far out on the ocean Byrd raised a commotion By planting our flag on her rear. There was a young girl of Odessa Was a rather unblushing transgressor; When sent to the priest The lewd little beast Began to undress her confessor. There was a young lady of Kent Who said that she knew what it meant When men asked her to dine, Gave her cocktails and wine: She knew what it meant - but she went! A daring young lady of Guam Observed, “The Pacific's so calm I'll swim out for a lark”. But she met a large shark. Let us now sing the Ninetieth Psalm. I wish that my room had a floor; I don't care so much for a door; But walking around Without touching the ground Is getting to be quite a bore. There was an old man of Dundee Who molested an ape in a tree. The result was quite horrid All arse and no forehead, Three balls and a purple goatee. There was a young lady called Anna, Who decided she'd like a pianna. Her mother said, “No”, But bought her a po, Saying, “Now you can have a pee, Anna”. A famous theatrical actress Played best as a bad malefactress; Yet her home life was pure Except, to be sure, A scandel or two, just for practice. A venturesome three-week old chamois Strayed off in the woods from his mamois, And might have been dead But some picknickers fed Him with sandwiches, milk and salamois. There was a young man from the city Who met what he thought was a kitty. He gave it a pat And said, “Nice little cat”. They buried his clothes, out of pity. A lady, while dining at Crewe, Found an elephant's whang in the stew. Said the waiter, “Don't shout, Or wave it about, Or the others will all want one too”. A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire names out of malice. While that worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl In the bleachers named Alice. There was a young lady from Cham Who smiled as she entered a tram. When she had embarked The conductor remarked, “Your fare” and she said, “Yes, I am”. There was a young fellow called Binn Who was so excessively thin That when he essayed To drink lemonade He slipped through the straw and fell in. You must get it up, to begin. Or else, you will not get it in. If you will allow I will just show you how: Keep your head down - and aim for the pin. A lady called Marie-Christine One day on the ski-slopes was seen Lift fees were so high That she said with a sigh, “By the evening I hadn't a bean!” To a person arriving in Heaven Said St. Peter, “We dine, sharp, at seven, Then breakfast's at eight, Never mind if you're late, And there's biscuits and milk at eleven”. To compose a sonata today Do not do it the usual way:- Take your seat on the keys Jump about as you please. “Oh! How modern!” the critics will say. An engineer peripatetic Endowed with a keen sense esthetic Drank beer in most places Except U.S. bases “For their beer”, said he, “is pathetic”. There once was a statement of mission, Of energy, fusion, and fission, The words were just fine, In fact, quite divine, But the content was met with derision. There was a young man from Bombay Making fireworks one fine Summer's day But he dropped his cigar In the gunpowder jar. There was a young man from Bombay. There once was a hermit named Dave, Who kept a dead whore in his cave. And though I'll admit That it did stink a bit, Just think of the money he saved! There was an old miser named Dave Who kept a dead whore in his cave She had only one tit And smelled just like shit But think of the money he saved. Little Jack Horner sat in his corner Playing with his grandma's twat Stuck in his pinky, Got it all stinky And said, “Damn, you're beginning to rot!” There once was a woman named Kit Who kept a dead lover named Brit I don't care if he reeks After all of these weeks But I'm madder than Hell that he split! There was a young lady from Greeling, Who once had a very fine feeling, She laid on her back, Fingered her crack, And pissed all over the ceiling! There was a young lady from Gallus, Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus, They found her vagina, In North Carolina, And her asshole at Buckingham Palace! There was a young man from Strensil Whose point was a s sharp as a pencil On the night of his wedding It went clean through the bedding And shattered the chamber untensil. There once was a lady from Niger, Who had an affair with a Tiger. The result of the fuck Was a bald headed duck, Two gnats, and a circumcized spider. There lived a young virgin called Heidi Whose box was always kept tidy There lived not a mortal Who could enter her portal She's waiting for God almighty. There was a girl named Tropp Who impaled her cunt on a mop After thrusting away The better part of a day She rolled around in the slop. Heather, that nasty little troll Owned an abnormally large hole Her twat was so wide Into it I'd slide 4 fingers and a telephone pole. A city boy named Matt Came over to suck off my cat I asked if he drank He smiled cat-wank He didn't swallow, he spat. There was a young wife from Nantucket, Who was told by her husband to suck it, As she got on her knees, She said, “Darling please, This time can we use a bucket?” There once was a man from South Bend - Talked sodomy down, to a friend. Then up spoke a dude, “Sir, you say it is rude But you'll find it is fun in the end”. There was an old man from Nantucket, Who's dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, “If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it”. There once was a fellow named Dingus Who really enjoyed cunnilingus. One day after snackin' He misplaced his napkin And wiped off his face with his fingas. There was an old man from Stamboul, Who soliloquised thus to his tool: You've taken my wealth, And ruined my health. And now you won't _pee_, you old fool! There was a sweet thing from Champlain Who grants sexual favors insane. You'd think that she'd laugh At a buck and a half, But you don't hear the tourists complain! There once was a girl from Madrass Who had a magnificent ass. Not pretty and pink As you probably think, It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. There once was a munk from Siberia, Whose habits were rather inferiour. He had don to a nun What non should have done. So now, she's Mother Superiour. On the chest of a barmaid from Hale Were inscribed all the prices of ale. Whilst on her behind For the sake of the blind Were precisely the same, but in Braille. A horny young man named Swallow Told a girl as they kissed in a hollow, “Did you know that my dick Is three inches thick?" She said, "Gee thats a hard one to swallow". There once was a young man named Enos, Who had a sixteen inch long penis. Two hookers named Claire, Said, “Sir, if we share, We'll still have eight inches between us!” There was a young woman named Liza Whose tits were of different sizes. One was so small, It was hardly at all, But the other was large and won prizes. An old New York Met named Tom Seaver, Was once rendered impotent by fever. He said with dismay, “I don't like it this way, It kills my desire for beaver”. There once was a man from Belair Who was fucking his wife on the stair When the bannister broke He redoubled his stroke And finished the job in mid-air There once was a man from Tashkent Who's prick was all buckled and bent To save himself trouble He put it in double And instead of cuming he went. There once was a girl named Lisa Whose ass I wanted a piece-a She got on her knees Said, “do what you please, I take Mastercard and Visa”. There once was a young lady from Heath Who circumsized young men with her teeth She said with a grin, “It's not for the skin But rather the cheese underneath”. Old mrs. Hubbard Went to the cupboard To give her poor dog a bone When she bent over The dog took over And gave her a bone of his own. There once was a Bishop of Birmingham Who'd bugger young boys while confirming 'em While studying Jobe He'd lift up his robe And pump episcopal sperm in 'em. There is a man from St. Ira He came here to find ya. His name was billy He had a big willy That he would like to stick inside ya. There's no call for your rhymes, neat and dapper? And you can't afford paper or wrapper? For the poetic soul, Broke, on the dole, There is always the wall in the crapper. She stood in her splendor, quite nude: Said blind Justice, “My hearing's grown crude; When they said, `Election' I mis-heard `Erection' But I guess either way I got screwed!” There once was a man from Winsocket Who stuck his cock in a socket. Then some son of a bitch Turned on the switch. And he went up like a rocket. When lawyers dine out, don't you know, They have split-fee soup, just for show. They dazzle their guest And I can attest That the entree is broiled squid pro quo. There once was a schemer named Ponzi Who annoyed some crude poets on Sundy They flamed at his post But what hurt him the most Was that nobody sent him their mon, see? Of mad cow's disease, said Cow 1, “No harm can ever be done To me or to you”. “Why's that?” asked Cow 2. “We're frogs!” said the first, “Ain't that fun?” The second cow thought, “Is it true? Then color my green hide all blue! For we've big baggy udders Instead of webbed rudders, And in place of a ribbet we moo”. There was a young lady of Kent, Who always said just what she meant; People said, “She's a dear, So unique, so sincere”, But they shunned her by common consent. A farmer once called his cow 'Zephyr', She seemed such a lovable heifer. When the farmer drew near She kicked on his ear And now he is very much deafer! There was an old lady from Herm, Who tied bows on the tail of a worm; She said, “You look festive But don't become restive You'll wriggle 'em off if you squirm”. There's a clever old miser who tries Every method to e-con-o-mize. He said with a wink, “I save gallons of ink By simply not dotting my i's”.