7 Times History Went Straight Slapstick
It turns out that only part of history is written by the winners -- other parts appear to have been hurriedly scribbled by coked-out sitcom writers desperate to finish a scene. Just consider the completely true fact that ...
Hitler Suffered From Uncontrollable Farting
"Hitler couldn't stop farting and ate poop pills and was probably a junkie" sounds exactly like something we'd make up if we wanted to make the guy look bad, for whatever reason. And yet, these claims don't come from some dodgy tabloid or a group of seven-year-olds fighting in a schoolyard -- they come from Hitler's actual medical records.
Everybody downwind in this shot died after Hitler's bean burrito lunch.
Ever since Hitler was a child, he was subject to bouts of vicious farting whenever he was under great emotional distress. Many believe this is why he became a vegetarian (which would have helped with the smell, but worsened the frequency). He would reportedly disappear to his room right after every dinner to drop butt bombs in privacy. All of this puts Hitler's quote about defeating Poland, "I shall brew them a devil's drink," into a disturbing new light.
Continuously embarrassed, and suffering from extreme intestinal cramping, Hitler graduated from simple dietary changes and turned to Dr. Koester's Anti-Gas Pills for relief. These fart- (and rat-) killing pills were recommended to him by his personal physician, Dr. Morell, who was as qualified to be a doctor as Hitler was to run a daycare. Morell also prescribed him Mutaflor, a delicious cocktail of "bacteria cultured from the faeces of a Bulgarian peasant." So, yeah, poop pills.
"... is it a white Bulgarian peasant?"
When the pills stopped being enough, Hitler turned to increasingly extreme methods. Determined to never backslide down the path of ruined shorts and embarrassing dinner dates at Taco Bell, Hitler continually added more and more drugs to his daily tummy-soothing regimen. By the time he killed himself, he was on at least 28 different drugs, including barbiturate tranquilizers, morphine, bull semen, and possibly even amphetamines. We can only imagine the great relief his death must have brought to his drug-tightened bowels, finally loosened for the first time in decades.
Charles Darwin Rode The Galapagos Tortoises, Smacked Their Tortoise Butts
Charles Darwin's first visit to the Galapagos Islands was a great moment for science and/or Satan, depending on who you ask. Either way, historic stuff. It was there that Darwin noticed subtle but key differences in varying species of animal -- you know, as if they had evolved, or something.
However, Darwin discovered more than just differently shaped bird beaks on his science vacation. He also learned that, if he tried, he could beat the shit out of the birds or ride the turtles like shopping mall horses, and they wouldn't offer any resistance. The latter moment has been immortalized in this completely factual statue from Ukraine's Heroes Sculpture Garden:
We ... we hope he's riding it, anyway.
You see, at the time of Darwin's excursions to the Galapagos, the islands had rarely been visited by humans. As such, most of the creatures there were incredibly docile, having never before faced any real threat from smarter, more dickish animals. Seeing an opportunity, Darwin giddily took it upon himself to become the island's only apex predator.
"Y'all my bitches now, hear?"
To test this theory, the esteemed biologist plopped his posh posterior onto a massive sea turtle and smacked its turtle butt. To his delight, the huge creature rose up and trundled away with Darwin still straddling the shell, like the world's easiest rodeo. Still, the birds and the turtles got off easy compared to the iguanas, which Darwin described as "hideous" and "stupid." Darwin rounded out his studies by yanking their tails and chucking the poor reptiles as far as he could. For science.
By the time Darwin returned to England, he'd already formulated his basic tenets for his theory of evolution, which he later explained in his seminal book Animals: What A Buncha Fuckin' Dweebs (working title).
A Russian Composer Got Stuffed In A Closet During The Nazis' Surrender Negotiations ... And Fell Out Partway Through
A couple of days after Adolf Hitler ripped off countless time travel stories by killing Adolf Hitler, the now leader-less Nazis went "whelp" and sent some high ranking officers to negotiate peace with the Soviets. The man in charge of the Russian side of the negotiations, General Vasily Chuikov, soon realized he had a huge problem: he wanted to look all intimidating and official in front of the Nazis, but he didn't have any officers to accompany him (they were all fighting some war or something).
And unfortunately, Batman t-shirts hadn't been invented yet.
Thinking quickly, Chuikov grabbed a couple of nearby war correspondents who happened to be wearing military uniforms and declared them his totally-legit staff. The correspondents also happened to have famous Soviet composer Matvei Blanter with them -- he had been sent to Berlin by Stalin to write a symphony celebrating the Soviet victory. However, since Blanter was wearing a suit like some freaking poindexter, he wouldn't have been able to pass as a true Red Army officer. Chuikov, using that Soviet quick thinking of his, cleverly shoved Blanter into a closet.
Unfortunately, it was pretty hard to breathe in that little closet. Just as the negotiations were wrapping up, Blanter ran out of oxygen, passed out, and tumbled out of the cabinet and into the room, spooking the hell out of the Germans.
"Quick! Shoot the Narnian spy!"
And so, one of the most important surrenders in one of the most horrific wars in history was capped by a scene straight out of Friends. This moment was actually filmed for the critically-acclaimed war drama turned "Hitler Reacts" meme factory, Downfall ...
... but the director ultimately cut it because he realized no one would believe it really happened. As for Matvei, we're assuming he wore a Soviet uniform under his clothes for the rest of his life, just in case.
A Female Reporter Got An Interview With John Quincy Adams By Catching Him Skinny Dipping And Stealing His Clothes
Stealing someone's clothes while they're taking a bath is a prank as old as time. For Anne Royall, however, it was also part of the job. Royall was one of America's first female journalists, and one of her earliest pursuits centered on forcing President John Quincy Adam's withered pecker into the spotlight. Royall's husband, a veteran, had recently died, and she believed herself entitled to a military pension. Royall decided to interview Adams in the hopes of gaining his support, but no matter how many times she requested an interview, the president's office rebuffed her inquiries.
So, Royall decided to catch him alone. Really, really alone.
Except for his closest aide, Dee Z. Nuts.
Royall went straight to the Potomac River, where -- and this is a matter of public record -- Adams liked to swim in the nude. While the President of the United States floated naked in the river, Royall perched on his clothes and threatened to scream if he tried to get out without answering her questions. Desperate to cling to whatever shred of dignity he had left (and because it was probably super cold outside and the weather wouldn't do him justice), he agreed to the impromptu interview. And so, Adams did everything he could to tread water while covering his junk and giving halfway decent answers without crying.
No images exist of that moment, so please enjoy this photo montage of Teddy Roosevelt soaking his moose.
However, the interview had a happy ending (and it had nothing to do with old man junk). Adams decided that Royall was justified in her position, and agreed to support her pension petition. Adams later dubbed her a "virago errant in enchanted armor," which according to our research is a mean lady ... who is also a badass knight wizard? Honestly, we wouldn't be surprised.
Julius Caesar Got A Love Note From His Opponent's Half-Sister During A Tense Debate
From holding them in a massive temple to having every participant raise their hands like a terrified kindergartener every time they wanted to speak, the Ancient Romans took their debates quite seriously. During one such debate, Julius Caesar and his arch-nemesis Cato The Younger were balls-deep in an argument over the death penalty: Cato wanted to execute some dickwads who were caught conspiring against the republic, while Caesar argued that death was too good for them.
He was a softy, that Caesar.
Midway through Cato's speech, a messenger quietly handed a note to Caesar. Scandalized, Cato stopped in his tracks to accuse Caesar of conspiring with the conspirers, challenging him to read the note in front of the whole class. Like a lively Jerry Springer audience, other senators joined in this demand.
With his characteristic don't-give-a-fuck-ness, Caesar simply handed the note to Cato and told him to read it out aloud himself. Cato gleefully grasped at the chance to air out some of his opponent's dirty laundry in front of all the Roman bigwigs ... only to immediately regret his decision, and presumably all his life choices up to that point. You see, the note Caesar received was a love letter--- from Cato's half-sister and Caesar's mistress.
It took him a while to figure out it was her, since she signed it "Hot Nips."
In his rush to embarrass his opponent, Cato inadvertently held an impromptu Fifty Shades Of Grey reading about all the kinky shit Caesar and his sister got up to, all while Caesar (presumably) received high-fives from his nearby bros. Cato threw the note back at Caesar with the words "Take it, you drunken sot" before continuing his speech, no doubt with the image of his sister and Caesar reenacting the downward dog permanently burned into his head.
The death penalty vote ultimately went in Cato's favor, but we doubt he considered the evening a success. Adding to the humiliation, his dear nephew would eventually become quite close to Caesar. Some kid named "Brutus."
First name "Et tu?"
A Drunken Civil War General Fell Off His Horse While Leading A Charge, To His Troops' Embarrassment
We know, drunk generals during the Civil War? We've already written repeatedly about how Ulysses Grant was regularly so drunk he wasn't fit to be wearing pants, much less winning a war, but here's the thing -- he did win. Not everyone back then could handle their liquor quite so graciously.
They're not dead, just passed out.
Take Confederate General Benjamin Cheatham, in charge of a division in the Army Of The Tennessee under General Braxton Bragg (who was apparently named by George Lucas). During the Battle Of Stones River, Bragg decided that the best course of action was to order Cheatham's division forward in one large push. Cheatham, on the other hand, had already decided that the best course of action was to get shit-face drunk. They didn't exactly see eye-to-eye, mostly because it's hard to see anything when you're passed out on the ground.
Instead of ordering a charge en masse, the inebriated Cheatham told his division to move forward in piece-meal elements that were appropriately devoured under a hail of Union gunfire. Needing to rile up his troops fast, he mounted his horse, raised his sword, and charged toward the enemy in a valiant display of courage -- for about ten feet, before he "rolled off his horse and fell to the ground as limp and helpless as a bag of meal," in full view of both sides of the battle. The history book don't specify how much of his butt crack was visible, but we're guessing it was 100 percent.
He was going for "Mel Gibson in The Patriot," but he ended up as "Mel Gibson the rest of the time."
After that, his men were basically too embarrassed to fight, and Cheatham lost more than his battle with sobriety that day. So, whatever became of him? Nothing, he continued his Jack Daniel's brand of leadership until the end of the war, with his face literally appearing on Jack Daniel's bottles. It was presumably their little tribute for singlehandedly keeping the company afloat.
Although "Ben Cheatham's" sounds more like a supermarket-brand rum.
A Hammered Nixon Wanted To Nuke North Korea, So Kissinger Told Everyone To Ignore Him Until He Slept It Off
Richard Nixon may have been tricky (as well as dicky), but the one thing that could be said for him was that he probably didn't want the world to burn in nuclear fire. That is, until he got drunk.
Must of us just turn our toilets into a war zone while in that state.
In 1969, slap bang in the middle of the Cold War, North Korea shot down a U.S. spy plane, killing all 31 men on board. Such an act called for a severe reaction from America, but what should it be? Putting boots on the ground in a new country was a no-go, lest college campuses across the nation combine into one massive flower of power, Megazord-style. Presumably at this point, Nixon was a few bottles of 1957 Chateau Lafite Rothschild deep, because upon hearing the news, Futurama's best recurring punchline flipped the fuck out and ordered a tactical nuclear strike.
Future Secretary Of State Henry Kissinger did what anyone would do when their boss starts drunkenly shouting about kick-starting the apocalypse: he phoned everyone and told them to hold off on the nuclear holocaust until Nixon had a chance to sleep off his buzz. As you may have noticed, both Korea and America still exist today, so this plan clearly worked.
There's no way he didn't tuck Nixon in bed and kiss(inger) him on the forehead at least once. No way.
Another time, the British Prime Minister asked to talk to Nixon about the just-started Arab-Israeli War of 1973, but Kissinger said (and this is a direct quote), "Can we tell them no? When I talked to the president he was loaded." This was probably partly to avoid Nixon the embarrassment, and partly to prevent him from saying they should just wipe out that whole continent.
Kissinger has been called a war criminal and a unique monster, but we can thank his drunkard-managing skills for the fact that whole chunks of the world were not turned into an irradiated mess for decades.
Jordan Breeding has a blog, a band, and a butthole. Choose wisely. You can email Alexander Pan's at alexander.pan.90@gmail or tweet him at @alexandervpan. Follow Mike on Twitter.
Also check out The 17 Most Hilarious True Stories Left Out Of History Class and 6 Hilarious Pranks Pulled By Soldiers In The Middle Of War.
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